伪娘 人妖

搜检原文

Ever wondered how to navigate the etiquette of going to the loo on a date or， even worse， in bed? This new book tackles the last taboo in dating.

When navigating the dating terrain， the potential minefields are endless. When do you make the first move? Is it too early to meet the parents?

But judging by the popularity of a new book， we're often preoccupied with explosive issues of a different kind. ‘How to Poo on a First Date’， has become an Amazon sensation， and is dedicated solely to issues of the heart and bowels.

The £5 dating bible， published by Prion， promises to solve all your toilet conundrums， from what to do if the urge arises at an awkward moment to how best to cover up any unromantic odours.

The authors， credited only as Mats and Enzo， spent five years researching this work of lavatory-related genius.

‘One of the secrets of seduction (and this goes as much for a first date as for the rest of the relationship) is to stay faultless at all times，’ the relationship scholars write in the book’s intro.

‘However， you are made of flesh and bone and this means that yes， sometimes you have to go to the loo.

'This vital human requirement remains strangely taboo in modern society， and it can ruin a blooming or well-established relationship in an instant.’

To illustrate the point the book kicks off with a cautionary tale. So confident in his relationship was Tom， a friend of the authors， that he started talking to his girlfriend with the toilet door open.

Needless to say， Tom’s ‘monumental error of judgement’ means he's now single.

‘We could no longer allow something as banal as going to the toilet to continue to destroy millions of perfectly good relationships，’ the authors explain， thus ‘How to Poo...’ was squeezed out between them.

The authors acknowledge that women are much more advanced in their toilet behaviour than men and have successfully perpetuated the myth that they never do number twos or let off wind.

With that in mind Mats and Enzo have been chivalrous enough to write the part of the toilet perpetrator as a male throughout the 144-page guide. But they do point out that the gender is interchangeable in all examples.

The book， which is the third in the ‘How to Poo...’ trilogy， (hot on the heels of ‘How to Poo at Work’ and ‘How to Poo on Holiday’，) covers what to do if you need the loo in scenarios including a cocktail party， in a Gondola or on an aeroplane.

But if you’re hoping their five years of research has unearthed some game-changing advice， don’t cross your， erm， legs.

The book's advice on how to nip to the loo without alerting your date that you have any unsavoury biological requirements， is convoluted to say the least.

If you have a pressing predicament while on an aeroplane for a romantic weekend away the advice reads as follows:

'Come closer to her [or him]. Slide one hand under the thigh and squeeze very strongly at the knee. The pain will make them scream and they will jump up in their seat.'

Still following? The idea is to then jump up with your date and spill as much of your meal as you can to give you the perfect alibi for needed a loo-stop.伪娘 人妖

At a cocktail party， the book suggests excusing oneself by using one of following: ‘I’ll just pop for a refill’，

‘I’m going to pick up some petits fours’ or ‘Excuse me， I must have a word with...'

If you find your date in awkward position when the urge to 'left off steam' arises，欧美性爱偷偷撸影院 don't panic -- simply turn to page 113 in your manual.

And it’s at pains to point out that ensuring nobody sees you leaving the loo is as important as going incognito as you enter – a common mistake of the party poo-er.

The advice goes from the sublime to the ridiculous when covering empty bog-roll emergencies， by suggesting one rips off wallpaper from behind the radiator.

To overcome an unattractive odour? ‘Quickly find a bottle of perfume and spray yourself with it. Use generously. Find and embrace your date， holding them close to you. Let go only when the air is decontaminated.’

And what happens if at the critical moment ‘you feel the need to decorate the toilet in the worst possible way’? The authors suggest coming over all 50 Shades of Grey and ducking to the loo in the pretence of grabbing the paper for some fantasy loo-roll-play.

But in truth， the classic， 'I'm off to powder my nose，' would probably suffice.

So could this new dating bible be the next Amazon number one? Judging by the frenzied interest， potentially， yes. But we think...

it’s more like a number two.

搜检译文

思知说念如安在麇集时，概况更糟的是，在床上时，去上茅厕却不失形象的妙诀吗？这本新书教你冲破麇集中的终末一说念禁忌。

谈到麇集，潜在的雷区确切源源无间。比如说，何时主动出击？何时见家长相宜？

但由于一册新书的流行咱们不错判断，东说念主们常被多样爆炸性的问题困扰。《首次麇集时思去上茅厕若何办》已成为了亚马逊史籍商城上的热点话题，诚然，这亦然至关垂死的问题。

这本售价5英镑的《麇集宝典》不错措置麇集时通盘与上茅厕筹谋的问题。从倏得思上茅厕窘态时若何办到如何笼罩异味。

这本书的作家马茨（Mats）和恩佐（Enzo）花了五年本事看望，最终总结出了与上茅厕筹谋的智谋。

“诱惑东说念主的窍门之一（非论是初度麇集依然恋爱关系的其他时候）是保握完竣”。东说念主际关系学者在这本书的引文中写说念。

“关联词，每个东说念主都是凡东说念主，这就意味着，你老是会往往地需要去上茅厕。”

“奇怪的是，这个垂死的东说念主类需求却仍然是当代社会东说念主际交游的禁忌。它可能在移时期蹧蹋一段正在高贵发展或决然建立完善的情怀。

为强调这少许，这本书以一个警示性故事为起原。作家的一又友汤姆（Tom）对他我方与女友的关系很有信心，因此他竟在上茅厕时，不关茅厕门，与女友交谈。

无谓说，汤姆相配诞妄的判断导致了他最终与女友离异。

“咱们决不允许像上茅厕这种芝麻绿豆的小事粉碎上万东说念主的完竣关系，”作家评释说，因此“如如何厕”成为一个横梗于他们之间的问题。

作家承认女性有着比男性更好的上茅厕的风俗，她们的到手窍门是从不在麇集时排便或是排出胃胀气。

“麇集时如何排便”是麇集中上茅厕里最为辣手的问题，它成了亚马逊上的热点话题。

马茨和恩佐因此以男性为例写下了144页的茅厕指南。但他们指出，在通盘例子中，性别都是不错改动的。

这本书是“如何排便”三部曲中的第三部，（紧随着“责任中如何排便”“度假时如何排便”）它包括了在鸡尾酒会、贡多拉（意大利一种非凡的水上器具）或飞机上等多样场景中，思上茅厕时应该若何办。

但若是你但愿从他们五年的看望中赢得一些改变游戏方式的建议，那即是，不要跷二郎腿。

这本书提倡的建议至少是很复杂的，它主要针对麇集时如何不受上茅厕等令东说念主歧视的生理需求的影响。

若是你在一个飞往周末度假之地的航班上倏得思上茅厕，建议是：

离她（他）近一些。将一只手滑到大腿下，使劲撞击麇集对象膝盖。剧烈的痛苦会使他们尖叫，并从座位上一跃而起。

然后呢？和你的麇集对象一皆跳起来，尽可能将食品或饮料洒出来，从而为我方找一个需要去洗手间的好借口。

这本书还建议，在鸡尾酒会上，不错这么说：“我得去续杯了。”

“我去取些小点心过来”或“对不起，我思和……说语言。”

若是你发现你在麇集时堕入一个厄运的逆境——倏得尽头思去茅厕该若何办，别蹙悚，翻到113页，你会找到措置方针。

这本书的作家还煞费神机的指出，确保你去茅厕时偷偷地回想与偷偷地离开是通常垂死的——这是好多东说念主常常忽略的少许。

这些建议千奇百怪，比如他建议当你上茅厕发现莫得草纸的时候，不错撕墙纸来解脱逆境。

那么如何解脱难闻的气息呢？“快速找一瓶香水喷在身上，大批地喷，然后找到你的麇集对象，牢牢地抱住她，直到周围的空气不再有异味了再放开她。”

但在垂死时刻，你思解大手时若何办呢？作家建议尽量赢得不错充任草纸的纸，如将手头上的《五十度灰》快速翻完，撕下纸以备用，冲向茅厕。

然而事实上，经典的“我思去一回洗手间”就可能让东说念主昂然了。

那么这本新的麇集圣经会成为下一个居亚马逊书单榜首的书吗？在狂热的利益开动下，也许会的，但咱们觉得……

它也许排第二位。

（译者 lcwujing 剪辑 丹妮）伪娘 人妖

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